- my one year marriage anniversary is this Tuesday;
- I'm working part time, going to school full time;
- I'm completing research for my honors thesis;
- I'm an intern with the Coastal Observation And Seabird Survey Team (COASST), the newly created marine debris side;
- I'm the secretary/treasurer for The Coastal Society at Oregon State University;
- I'm planning on graduating from OSU next Winter term and
- I have a meeting for a [possibly paid] summer research job this week.
Add to that the fact that I am a proud mama of two beautiful baby-dogs (and one asshole parrot) and I still manage to play volleyball at least twice a week with some extra gym time when I can.
Now this all sounds a little 'braggy' but that's not the point of this post. The real point is to say I think I've finally found a way to get my shit together. I know I have a lot on my plate, but it's all stuff I love doing. I tried to free up my schedule a bit, but I just can't get rid of anything. So I had to make a choice; either get my shit together or make some sacrifices. I chose the former.
This decision manifested itself when I went to Canada for my 23rd birthday. That trip was supposed to be amazing, but I ended up moping and staying in my hotel room a lot. I did get out and have a good time, and I don't regret going, but let's just say if I could do it over again, I would. ;) I hit a real low in the hotel room, alone and in a different country. I wasn't happy with the way I was living my life and ever since I got back I have made conscious decisions to change, and I sought help. What I thought was depression turned out to be intense situational stress, which can mimic many of the signs for depression. Now that I knew what was wrong, I could focus on ways to change. I started with volleyball.
As much as I love volleyball, it is a big source of stress for me and I never knew why. Then one day it came to me; I was spending way too much time focusing on how others were playing instead of focusing on myself. So I got selfish. Now when I play I don't worry when someone on my team fucks up because ultimately, I can't control them, I can only control myself. Once I stopped focusing on others, my play improved and my attitude stayed in the positive. Now I'm actually pleasant to play with (or at least I think so) and I can actually see my skills improving again.
Surprisingly [and thankfully], this change came easily. The difficult part now is applying this attitude to other areas of my life that cause me stress, such as driving...I'm working on that! Other sources of stress aren't as easy to control, such as the stress from looming assignments or thesis deadlines, but I've found that once I eliminated those other stress factors I had more time and energy to devote to more important areas of my life.
I guess you can say that things are looking up. I'm learning how to listen to my body and take cues when I'm stressed, which will help me make healthier decisions. I'm learning how much I can handle, what I'm comfortable with and what my true interests are. Best of all I think I'm finally feeling comfortable in my own skin, at the ripe old age of 23, and let me tell you, it feels great.
