Wedding Update

The wedding is officially on! We've set the date for May 6th, 2013 (which is our original anniversary date, makes it easy to remember!). We've also chosen to do something rather simple. We're going to have the ceremony at the Polk County Courthouse (pictured below) and anyone who wants to come is welcome to. Depending on the number of people in attendance, we might have a little get-together at our house afterwards, but we'll see. If you know me, and are friends with me on Facebook, I made an event you can join so I know how many people are coming. Gonzalo and I are also going to register at a few places soon, but we don't need anything too expensive...just a few kitchen supplies and such.

Gonzalo and I are still debating rings, as we don't have that much money, but I'd really like to have one. He's just reluctant to look because he knows how broke we are, plus he doesn't care about things like that. I would also like to have a nice dress. My friend Veronica and I are going to try and make a dress, but we don't know how much it will cost exactly. My budget is about $80 because that's the average price of a dress on modcloth.com, which is my back-up plan if Veronica and I strike out. Hopefully we can make one for less though!

I also found a SUPER good deal on Groupon today for pictures too! It expires before our actual wedding day, but I'm hoping Gonzalo will be in to taking some pictures beforehand! I would love to start this marriage out right and have some photos to hang up! Again, he's not into this sort of thing, so it's all on me (and any of my friends who want to help!)

As for dresses...
This is my favorite dress so far. Although, this is a close second...This one is out of stock but it is so beautiful!

As for Gonzalo and wedding-wear, I'm thinking of just putting him in a blazer and some nice black pants with one of his favorite shirts. That's what he likes to wear, so I'm not going to force him to wear a tux, which he hates.

All in all, it should be a simple affair with just a few of our closest friends. We haven't told our parents yet...kind of putting it off for whatever reason. I'm excited though. I finally get to call him my husband! We will be getting married on our seven year anniversary, some people probably think that's way too long, but look how long we've lasted so far? Nothing is going to stop us now. There will be no divorce in our future, unlike those people who get married after only a few months. I'm sorry to bash them, but it just seems crazy to me; you don't even know them or their tendencies...but I digress. I hope all my friends can make it for our joyous event and if not, hopefully we'll have some pictures afterwards!

Marriage Thoughts

I've been in a relationship for almost seven years (May 6th, 2013 is our anniversary); since I was 15; since I was a freshman in High School and I am now a Senior in college. I have (basically) only ever been with him and I've never really wanted to be with anyone else. Of course I have thought about it, I'm human after all, but whenever I truly weigh the different outcomes I always choose him. I do want to get married, he does too, but to a lesser extent; he's just not that into it. So I've been thinking...there's no law that says he has to propose, or that someone has to propose at all. I feel that proposals are for those relationships which are newer, when they haven't been together for almost a decade. When you're with someone for this long it just seems silly to get down on one knee, maybe it's just me.

So, again, I've been thinking; and I think I know what I want to do. I do want a wedding, where my friends and family get all gussied up and watch me marry the man I love. But, we won't be able to afford anything until we both at least have our bachelor's degree. Instead I want to first get married at the courthouse, anyone who wants to can come, but no one really has to. I want to get a wedding-like dress (from modcloth.com) and I want to already have rings, non-expensive ones, but rings all the same. Basically I just want to be married; I want to be able to call him my husband. I know he won't get the ball rolling because he just doesn't care that much, which isn't a bad thing, per say. He's just a different type of man, a different type of person (people who know him will definitely agree).

I know that a lot of women would detest this idea, but it works for me and it's relatively inexpensive. All we have to pay for is the marriage license, the dress, tux, and rings. We could even cut out the dress, tux and rings if we wanted/needed to (although I don't want to!).

That's what I'm planning right now, he doesn't really know, but it won't be a surprise thing. We'll have to talk about it to make it work. That's what our relationship is about, communication. We'd be long broken up if not for that.

Cheeky Cheeks

So I finally did it. My cheeks are now 100% pierced, and I couldn't be happier! Before I go on, I have to thank Jori from Jori Zan's Body Piercing for hooking me up. Her shop is immaculate, she is extremely pleasant and easy to talk to, the whole experience was just lovely. Well...maybe not the entire experience. Let me tell you having my dermals removed and then being re-pierced in the exact same spot not 5 minutes later was no walk in the park.

So I went in there today with the explicit expectation of getting my cheeks fully pierced. After Jori tried (unsuccessfully) to talk me out of it, as she does all her customers due to the nature of the piercing, she gave up and we got the show on the road. The first thing she had to do was take out my dermals. Now I thought she was going to remove the gem and then somehow remove the jewelry painlessly...yeah, I know, I'm retarded. That is not what happened. I guess the only way to remove dermals is to yank them out of someones face. What was surprising was just how little it did hurt. After I knew what she was about to do, I was expecting the worst pain I've ever felt; I mean she literally ripped them out of my face!! But no. It was more of a pressure thing than a pain thing, I know, crazy right? The pain came after they were removed, when they were just holes on my face. I could feel my face swelling and blood trickling down my cheek; I can't even imagine how terrifying I looked in that moment!

After the dermals were removed, which took about 5-10 minutes of tugging, pulling and yanking it was time for the cheeks to be re-pierced. This is what I was worried about. I mean, if the removal of the dermals didn't hurt that bad, then jamming a needle through the exact same hole sure would! I was nervous to say the least, literally dreading the moment of penetration. But as usual, I didn't have anything to worry about. The question I get asked the MOST about my cheek piercings is, "did that hurt?" What do I say to that, "no, it felt like rainbows and butterfly kisses...OF COURSE IT HURT!" In this case, I was stunned at how painless this piercing actually was! I can't imagine how it feels when your cheek is fully healed! You probably don't even feel it! Needless to say, I am grateful that I wasn't subjected to any more pain. Pain is not something you want to pay for, you know?

I look super weird right now because my bars are like an inch and a quarter long to compensate for the swelling, but I CANNOT wait until they heal a bit more. I am so excited to FINALLY have the look I've been wanting for years now! It sucks that I had to spend so much money but it's an investment I guess and there's a lesson to be learned: stick up for yourself. When I got my dermals there was a huge part of me that didn't want them because I knew they wouldn't be the look I wanted. I should have had the backbone to just walk away, to say, "nah" that's not what I want. It's my body and if I don't stick up for it, who will?

Happiness

Today I made an active effort to be happy despite my shitty morning, I really did. But I just couldn't do it. I couldn't get past certain things. Things like the job offer I missed out on, having to park over a mile from campus, paying over $5.00 for a small coffee and pastry. Little, insignificant things that don't up add to much in the grand scheme of life. Even going to my favorite class and knowing that as soon as its over I get to play volleyball wasn't enough today, and that's when you know something's wrong for sure. When I'm not overly excited to play volleyball, call the doctor. For real.

All I could think of on my drive from Corvallis to Salem was how, for lack of a better word, insignificant everything was. I don't know...maybe I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, but nothing can satisfy me today.

There's no upside to this post, no glimmer of positivity, only despair and nothingness. Today I am truly unhappy. But even now, as I write this post, as I wrote that last sentence a word popped in my head. A word which has been haunting me for weeks now. UNGRATEFUL. I can't help my feelings and I truly tried today to change my attitude...nothing could be done. I guess I am just weak today and I'll have to hope for something better tomorrow. Maybe I'm tired. But I really just feel unfulfilled. I feel I am not doing enough...I feel complacent. Honestly, right now I don't know what I can do to change these feelings, to cheer up.

I'm always open to suggestions, even if those include "stop whining".

Sorry this post was such a bummer but I just felt as though I needed to share my thoughts with someone and lately I haven't had the easiest of times doing so verbally. Looking forward to maybe getting some comments. Come on...don't be shy.

Rage Sage

Well today didn't start out as wonderfully as I thought it would. This morning I had the first of three exams for the city of Salem community service officer position for the Police Department (super wordy!), and yet again I was excluded from employment due to my cheek dermals. Let me explain the reasons why this enrages me.

1) I've always wanted cheek piercings, and I mean always. They were the first piercing I really wanted, but could never have due to many different reasons. When I finally was able to get them Oregon's laws changed which disallowed piercers to pierce behind the first molar or some bullshit. This ultimately meant I couldn't get full piercings, but only dermals instead. So I thought, hey, why not? I mean, what's the difference, right? HUGE DIFFERENCE. For one thing, THEY CANNOT BE REMOVED which is a pain in the ass sometimes, let me tell you. And secondly, they don't give the 'dimpled' look I was going for. Basically what I'm trying to say is, I paid waaaay too much for something I really didn't want and I will regret it for the rest of my life because I can't let anything go...EVER! What it all comes down to, for me at least, is the money. I spent over $150 to get my cheeks pierced and they weren't even what I wanted. If I had any sort of backbone...but I digress.

2) This is like the umpteenth job I've been declined for solely due to my physical appearance; and I don't know about you, but that sounds like discrimination to me. It's 2013 for christs sake...are piercings really that big of a deal?!?! And why should they be? Should employers be allowed to turn qualified applicants away just because they look differently from everyone else? That is so discriminatory!! But what do I do? Where is my spine, where is my integrity? Instead of doing something about it, complaining to people who can change things I bitch and moan on the internet, to perfect strangers. I am a loser, and until I stand up for myself I'll always be a loser.

3) This might be a silly reason, but it's a reason all the same. Because this wasn't the first potential job I've been turned away from, I was smart and I called the city of Salem Police Department to make sure I wouldn't be automatically excluded due to my piercings. So I called and explained my situation to the nice receptionist (who knew absolutely nothing) and she informed me that there was no way it could exclude me and to come to the written exam all the same. So I did. It was very dumb of me, but I went. I drove to Salem, before I had class in Corvallis, actually skipping a class just to go to this stupid fucking 'exam' and I asked the Sergeant there. I asked him if I would be excluded from employment due to my cheek dermals and he simply replied, "yes, grooming policies forbid body modification of any kind." That's all I wanted. I didn't ask for anything else when I called the week before. So you can understand, maybe...hopefully, why I was pissed to have wasted not only my time, but my gas and money going to Salem for a job I was already unable to be hired for.

Needless to say, I've had a shitty morning. But on my way to Corvallis I saw some geese, happily swimming in a pond, not a care in the world, just swimming and eating, being a goose. That was all I needed to be happy again. I turned on my Zune and started to sing along, forgetting about the unfortunate events which I had just experienced; I let the music fill me as I drove down the long stretch of highway towards better things.

Twitter, and other news...

So I've officially joined Twitter...and I kind of like it. It's not so annoying as I once thought it was and I find myself checking it frequently...like every couple of minutes. #sort of addicted

In other news...

I am super excited for today, if not only for volleyball tonight I also get to go shopping in a couple of hours! I'm only 'allowed' to get business-casual pieces for my interview tomorrow but that's not to say I can't look around a bit! Gonzalo and I have been so friggin' broke lately I haven't been able to buy anything we didn't absolutely need. But now that winter term has started and we got our financial aid reimbursements we're living a little more comfortably. This doesn't mean we can go ape shit crazy and buy everything we've been pining for these past months, but it does mean we can treat ourselves every so often; especially if it's the difference between me getting a job or not.

It's really hard to get a job right now, and I mean really, really hard. Maybe it's me, but I've applied to over 30 places and I've only been called back three times, all of which were seasonal positions. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. Am I just the worst possible choice that companies would deliberately not hire me, not even give me a chance? No. I don't think that's it and I don't think my past employers are torpedoing me either. I think it's my mannerisms, my appearance, my self-confidence level (or lack thereof) that's turning these companies off. I mean I'm fidgety, nervous, sweaty and shy when I go to interviews. Hell, I wouldn't hire me! It's something I desperately need to work on in all aspects of my life; being more outgoing and vulnerable. Because I am a fun person, pretty dang funny too, but I let what people think about me stop me from truly being happy or being myself.

For example, I love to sing and although I'm not saying I could do it for a living, I don't think I suck too badly at it. But I am not able to sing in front of anyone, let alone an entire audience. My boyfriend of almost seven years hasn't even heard me sing, at least not to the capacity I am capable of, say when I'm driving to school or elsewhere. I really wish I could, but I am just too scared of what people would say. The problem is, I only focus on the potential negative comments like "you suck" or "don't quit your day job". I don't even think about the positive comments I may in fact receive because I don't take the risk of putting myself out there. And in this day and age it's extremely easy to do it too! Have you heard of YouTube!?!? But it's all for naught, at least right now. There are just too many things about myself that I dislike or want to change about myself and until I check some of those things off the list, I won't be able to help myself in other ways.

Pretty depressing, huh? But that's where I'm at right now. Hopefully soon I'll be able to make my debut, maybe even here, on my blog. I'll think about it...but you have to promise to be nice!

Not so much a resolution as a way of life.

Aaaand I'm back!

Well, at least for now I am.

It's not easy keeping an up-to-date blog, especially if you're uncreative in every sense of the word. Is that even a word? Hope so...

I guess the next logical step is to update you all (although I don't think anyone follows me, but oh well) on the happenings of my life since I've been away.

It is now Winter term at Oregon State University and my schedule is sweet. I only have classes on Tuesday and Thursdays with at least a two hour break in between. I decided that this term I wanted to take it a little easier and try to get all A's, because my GPA desperately needs it. I am currently looking for a job, as we are hella broke and living off of financial aid and loans. Fun times all around. I do, however, have an exam on Tuesday for a Community Service Officer position for the city of Salem's police department that I'm pretty excited about. Kind of nervous though, as it's a written exam...but I'm sure I'll do fine.

I'm still playing volleyball as often as I can, which right now is three times a week, hopefully going on four at the end of January. Nothing too exciting about volleyball except that because of it I've lost SIXTEEN POUNDS! I now weigh what I did in September of 2009!!! I'm still working at it too, but it's slow going. I'm just trying to watch as well as log what I eat and exercise as much as I can. But it's hard because I hate exercising unless it's playing volleyball...I know, I'm a baby. It is exciting though, to lose weight that is.

When you've been overweight your whole life, only gaining, never losing, it can be pretty disheartening; especially if you have no one there to support you. That's not true in my case, but I'm sure plenty of people experience that every day. Now, this year I didn't really make any resolutions, but I did get deathly ill over the winter break which made me think of how much I take for granted. When I was sick, (it was a stomach bug, nothing too serious, but man, it wiped me out!) I couldn't get out of bed without being nauseous and if I ate or moved around I puked. To top that all off my stomach was in knots and even lying down I was in excruciating pain. All in all, it was awful (I lost two pounds though! haha). The only thing I could think of was how badly I wanted to feel better, to be able to sit up, eat, drink, hell even sleep through the whole night! I just wanted the pain to stop. I realized then how much I take for granted. Most days I let time slip right by, without making any effort at all to be happy or appreciate what I have. Now, I'm not religious per se, but I believe that life is a gift, not to be wasted or frittered away. I guess I just needed a different perspective on life to make me remember how precious life really is. I mean, my life wasn't in danger, I wasn't dying; but I knew that there are people who have to live their lives in pain be it from self-infliction, sickness or what-have-you. So right then and there I told myself that I would try to treat every day as a gift, to reach out to others, to have integrity, to make my life mean something. I've held to that for the past few weeks and let me tell you, it makes everything more enjoyable. So I invite you to try it with me. Look for the good in everything, stay positive even when everything is going wrong. It's not easy, but it's worth it. Feel free to leave a comment below of how you kept positivity in your life, or how you didn't let life bring you down but instead let it lift you up. I look forward to hearing from some of you!